i am finally breathing...

We booked a place!
here's a picture...but minus the ugly chair covers =)
haven't really done much since then...but at least we have a wedding date =)

...and it's just another day...

11/10/2007 -

Believe it or not, but I actually like my job. Some people, after 12 hours of screaming moms and babies, will probably go nuts and give up the first day. And I don't blame them because I feel the same way after 4 consecutive 12-hour night shifts. Like the ones I'm supposed to do this weekend.

It's funny. It's almost as if there's a trend. This week, I've had at least two moms who are 17 years old or younger. One of them, delivered at home in her toilet. Talk about being in denial. This tiny girl who is probably less than 100 lbs. before being pregnant, claimed she had no idea she was even pregnant. And I take this with my eyebrows raised because at that body type and weight, there is no way you could not tell you're not pregnant. A pregnancy changes you in ways I could probably never fully explain because I've never been there myself but it does. It's a major thing. And to look at it like it was a disease that will just pass and go away if you don't think about it, is just not the way to welcome someone into the world.

I just think back to the time I was 17 and though I can't imagine myself getting pregnant at that age, even then I was a very mature 17 year old. But that's me. I cannot speak for anyone else, especially the ones who are in this situation. I try so hard not to stereotype this young moms because I hope for the best for their future, for their babies. But I worry about my young moms the same way I worry about their babies. I see this mom not even wanting to hold and feed her own kid and I can't walk out of the room and say, "Oh well, it's just another day at work". But that's why I'm this profession. Because I can be jaded and say I don't really care, but I do.

I worry about them going home and not knowing what to do with a baby. I worry about them not having any support or even a place to go. I worry about their babies not getting the attention they so need and deserve. But even I can only do so much. With all these pre-wedding things coming at me, plus all these work stuff, it's no wonder I'm so stressed. But I guess the good thing is I recognize it even at this early stage. There's still so much to learn.

where is the silver lining?

can't sleep. probably has something to do with the fact that i had coffee at 10 pm. or just that i've been so stressed i haven't had real sleep in days. but then again, that should be reason enough for me to want to sleep so maybe it's just the coffee. eitherway, my caffeine-induced rambling will probably not make any sense but here it goes.

i haven't written anything in months. i used to religiously write details of important things in my life and recently i haven't had any time for anything. but i keep thinking about wanting to write, or just to get the chance to sit down and think about things happening in my life. there is value in being able to stop and think.. and knowing when to do just that.

i'm getting married. or at least trying to. i'm overwhelmed with happiness and excitement just thinking about the new life i'm about to embark with my fiance, my soon-to-be husband. and for some absurd reason, the ones whose opinion i value the most don't seem to be quite as enthused. i guess i understand their hesitation to share my joy. being the youngest, me leaving home is probably the last thing on their mind. but still. i've finally come to the time in my life, when i feel old enough, mature enough and ready to step onto that next level. don't i deserve a little enthusiasm? a little support?

i'm not even asking them to help me financially. i wonder if i did just like my older siblings have done. all i'm asking for is a little affirmation that somehow they support my decision. but maybe even that is asking too much.

my bestfriend is the wisest person i know. she said to me, that no matter how old i am, or how stable in life i seem, parents will always be parents. in their eyes, i will always be their youngest daughter and the fact that i'm "leaving" them will always be hard to accept. she said i need to understand how they feel and without even thinking twice, i know she's right. i hate it when she's right because in the back of my mind, it's not what i want to hear.

i know somewhere there is a silver lining. i just need to step back and find it.