"googling"

I like that term "googling" and yes, yes, I know, it's a bad habit -- I googled myself again. It doesn't hurt anybody and by the way, I heard John Mayer, who I've just decided I have a love-and-hate relationship with, googles himself everyday to see what sort of news/dirt/gossip are out there about him. Not that I can really compare myself to him or anything; I am simply rationalizing.

I don't know why it bothers me (this referring to a certain "meantime girl" article being out there in the messy worldwide web). After all I sort of brought it to myself. I remember vaguely sending it, without my signature to a friend of mine (some friend, huh?) about a boy I was coveting at that time (in my now seemingly distant past) in hopes that I might relieve myself of the agony of unrequited love. A few years later, another friend asked about possibly contributing an article to a web e-zine called Rice Cafe (now defunct) for their "Dating/Relationship" section. I guess in a way, I wanted my voice to be heard. I wanted my meantime boy to know how I felt even if it was in fact, a long shot. And so, boldly, I hit send. (Sadly, of course, I don't think he's ever read it). And the rest is history.

Some are nice enough to give me credit (thank you). Some attempt to rewrite and add their own things (opinions, personal touches) into it (which, I do not appreciate). I mean, there was one who tried to turn the whole thing around and made it about a meantime boy (yet used the original piece word for word! can you say plagiarizing?!?) And again, I don't know why I'm so outraged, but I am.

I'm not an arrogant person. I don't want to come out of this as someone who's trying to win royalties over something that I'm not even sure is a masterpiece. I just want to be given credit where it is due. Is that too much to ask?

And maybe people who will stumble upon my new-ish blog will say, "well, how can you prove that you're really the Jan Javier who wrote this article when your new blog talks about nothing but food, rants, arts and crafts and nothing in comparison to anything anyone would ever expect?" (although, in my defence, I think cupcakes, and crafting are more interesting topics than the sad demise of my horror story of a lovelife) And the answer is......I can't. I can't prove that I wrote it. I only know that I did (sounds silly, I know.) I've had a history of creating blogs and un-creating them after writing a little bit too much about things that happened in my life. People I know, apparently are much more connected to the web as I've anticipated and I always end up being burned because of something I said (I mean, wrote) no matter how fictional and cryptic I try to make it seem.

And maybe the truth is, I am not that person anymore. Maybe the reason I was writing about my so-called lovelife was that my life then felt so unfinished that I needed to create these stories so that I'd have something to look forward to. I wanted them to remind me about people in my past that had been important to me one way or another. I am married now and finally happy and though the story does not end there, I don't feel the compulsion to rewrite what was already perfect. Oh and yes, the meantime boy is not my meantime boy anymore. He's out there now, older, wiser and finally happy with someone else. I can't end this blog post better than what Sandra said in the last scene of "While You Were Sleeping"

"Life doesn´t always turn out the way you plan."

I don't know what things could have happened had my meantime boy realized I was writing about him. I don't know if things would have worked out the way I had imagined. I only know that I am much happier now with a person who couldn't be more perfect for me. A person who had made me realize that the finest of things come to those who truly deserve it the moment it's least expected.

The tag line, "No Pressure. No Worries" was not in the original "The Meantime Girl" article but was added by the editor-in-chief of Rice Cafe. I went on to write two more articles for Rice Cafe and a few more that were never published.

updating at 4:00 am: Holy S**t!?! this website is still alive?!?? Resurrected?!? how?!? Anyway, visit it before it's gone!