hoped for goodnight, not goodbye

She called me a few months ago asking if I wanted to get together. It's been ages since I've seen her, maybe almost six years ago, and though I haven't seen her for awhile, it was always nice to hear from an old friend. Especially one I have shared many wonderful moments with. I guess in the age of advanced social networking, it really shouldn't be too hard to keep in touch. And to think, we apparently have been living in the same neighborhood for awhile.

We've lost touch over the years. She had a baby. I got married. And I guess, as I have said before, there were things that got in the way that became more important than friendship. I don't hold it against her, just like I have accepted that the changes and choices that we've made didn't necessarily mean we didn't care about each other anymore. So when I got that call, I was more than excited to see what she's been up to.

We didn't actually make it to dinner that day though. She had a personal matter to attend to and I didn't want her to feel obligated for cancelling so I said to her, "Don't worry. I'm sure there'll be other days". How little did I know then.

I got a message today saying that she had passed away. I thought it was a joke. How could someone my age be gone? I don't know the details yet, but I still couldn't believe it. All I can think about is how I spoke to her just a few months ago. How we were supposed to meet and how I probably should have called her back and tried to reschedule that appointment. How I could have seen her and found out what she'd been up to. Somehow, I feel like I have neglected her. That somehow, I have failed her.

I look back to those childhood/preteen years we've spent together and all the stories, memories and laughters we've shared. I think about the letters we used to write each other and how she made that time of my life bearable.

I think about how I can never see my friend again.

Goodbye, M. Rest peacefully, my dear friend.