just as I am...

I gotta say, I had a slow start this 2012. The funny thing is, I didn't really feel the year starting until just recently and it's already February. I've been going through something personally, and it was hard for me to admit it even to myself. Somehow, I feel that the moment I open up about something negative, people will automatically think I'm having problems with my relationship with Mr. Pearls, which was not the case at all. If anything, the fact that he understood me through all the difficulties was what helped me through it all.

So funny. For the first time in a long time, I had no motivation to try anything new. Maybe the fact that I was also getting less and less sun had something to do with it. Even then Mr. Pearls had been supportive and showed much empathy. Reminded me of a line from JM's song, "would you want me when I'm not myself?". I guess the answer was an unwavering "Yes".

I've spent a great deal of my teens and early twenties with much sadness and self doubt, the uncertainty I was feeling didn't seem so unfamiliar. Unlike my younger self however, I had much hope that no matter how convoluted everything seemed, I knew things will get better. And they did. The window of opportunity was given to me and just like that, I feel hopeful about the future again. There's much to be thankful for if you stopped enough to look around you. I realized most people only ever think about asking for things they want to have without really realizing that maybe they have taken for granted the things they do have. I am guilty of this as well, and now grateful for my new perspective.

So February feels like the start of my new year. I've even managed to change something else I didn't do last year through the encouragement of Mr. Pearls ---get a gym membership. I know!? Sounds too crazy for someone who hasn't really done any serious working out in her life. I can't deny how much I love to eat, as evidenced by my many food posts and I know even with my love and hate relationship with food, age will slowly catch up to me. So this is definitely a step in the right direction. I've agreed to pay biweekly so hopefully I won't end up wasting it. I have gone once last week so yey me! Although, I must admit, I'm a little nervous about sharing this information with anyone because I don't want to be judged in the coming weeks regarding progress. As much as possible, I want to do it on my own phase and timeline. I just want to be more active than I was before so hopefully it won't be too bad. The idea of a physical assessment though, creeps me out a little bit. I feel like I'm gonna be tested on a subject I have never studied. If they force a personal trainer on me, I might not be able to say no. Yikes! We'll see :) I think more than anything, I'm scared to find out what my real body fat content really is. Probably more than I should have. Haha! Oh well, the main thing is, I am hopeful and motivated and that I have a Mr. Pearls who loves me just as I am, with extra pounds or not.