Monday, October 25, 2010

Day 1: Self-Cleansing

I am off for 22 days! (as if Facebook updates are not enough!) I feel like chronologically planning my days will help me become more productive since there's much to be done on this much needed break. Our weekends are booked with engagement sessions and next week, we'll be relaxing in the beautiful beaches of Bermuda. I did say we want to go back there at some point and I'm just glad it's sooner rather than later.

So, I had lots of things planned for today, even though I was coming off a night shift and hasn't really slept properly to function normally. Here's a view of today's to-do list, thoughts and their respective outcome =)

1. Get a haircut - Since my last cut and colour two months ago left me feeling unsatisfied, I went back to my hairdresser and opted for a shorter length and darker hair colour. My hair was so dry and damaged looking from the highlights and I've been meaning to get it fixed to make it look more natural again. I've been having many bad hair days for quite some time and finally I had the time to go back and have it re-done. I'm happier with my hair now and it looks healthier and not so scraggly as before. Will post pictures soon =)

2. Deliver photobooks - I've had wedding photobooks sitting on our coffee table for quite sometime waiting to be picked up. I'm glad to finally be able to give them to their rightful owners so they can enjoy the photographs we've worked so hard for all summer long.

3. Meet with my bestfriend and good friend/client - There's never a dull moment when you're planning a wedding. Time flew by really fast just going through layers and layers of stationery, decor and details. Plus, we were able to catch up on things. We haven't done this in so long and I sincerely missed spending time with her and my bestfriend.

4. The end of fall - On my way home, I was in awe with the beauty of the leaves on the ground, and the ones fluttering in the air...yet somehow it was also a sad reminder that we're well into the fall season. We have a few more engagements this weekend and I'm afraid it'll be too late then to capture the beauty of it all, with merely empty trees and dried out branches. It was nice today though, not as chilly and wet as the last few days.

5. Thinking of how much I missed the way I used to write - I had so much more time thinking and exploring today, it reminded me of the days I used to actually spend time writing. I had the habit of bringing a notebook with me everywhere I went so I could write random thoughts, funny anecdotes, and other amusing things I find when I'm commuting. I never seem to have much time now with all the things I've been doing. Anyway, it's a good reminder that once in a while, we need to stop and just give ourselves time to catch up and think about things that are happening in our lives. We owe it to ourselves to slow down every once in a while.

Speaking of writing, I'm reposting this -- an old journal entry from the past, back when I had no fear of whether my posts would incriminate or crucify me for being too honest. Enjoy!

Certain Things
Original date of post: January 4, 2005

I always believed that you can only be one type of person. For some, they might say this is the narrow-minded frame of mind because it doesn't leave much room for the possibility of change. I can't hear it enough. Things change. People change. happens often enough. We hear comments about people being totally different from what they used to be. I believe however, that no matter what amount of change/transformation you go through, you will remain to be the type of person you were to begin with. As for those people who say they've gone through a major personality transformation, for me that's like saying, you've learned to become less like yourself [your "real" self]. After all, "men are only boys grown tall. Hearts don't change much after all."

Judging is the easiest job in the world. Reality TV can't be a better example. We watch it because we enjoy watching other people's miseries. Their tears become triggers for a laughing fit. As sickening as it sounds, their idiosyncracies become great sources of entertainment. Go to the mall. Sit somewhere and soon enough, you'd find someone to judge. The irony is, you feel safe because you really don't know these people. Whatever snap judgment you impose upon them are really not likely to make any difference especially if you're not likely to run across them again. In fact, don't even go far. The subway is a perfect place. You're sitting there, alone with your thoughts. If you're lucky enough, you're stuck with the same people who are getting off in the same station as you are. You see something funny. Something trivial and you can't help but judge. It's a really convenient way to pass time. And of course, it becomes really handy when you're meeting people for the first time because first impressions do last.

I'm guilty for passing judgment. As much as I try to be objective about everything, I do have the tendency to make a snap decision when I meet someone new. I have low tolerance for narcissists, egotistics, people who are obsessive, people who are superficial [I have a long list, but I'd skip it]. I believe you can pretty much tell from your first conversation, the kind of person he/she is just by listening to how he/she talks, the way the person put words together and also by observing his/her non-verbal behaviours. I think the hours I spent people-watching is actually starting to pay off.

He was the type --- the type who had the capacity to break my heart in 4939658658 little pieces. He was the type that could make you want to listen to Jann Arden's "Insensitive" over and over again [especially the chorus part]. The funny thing was, I knew that he was going to be a mistake and the best thing I could possibly do was run away, but like a moth to a flame, I was drawn to him almost unconsciously. And you know what they say, if you sit too close to the fire, you're likely to burn yourself. The light flickering in the darkness, offered you to come closer, mesmerized you until it's too late to disengage. The idea of having him close to me was like finding the safest haven on earth. You just never want to leave.
Of course, my obsessive, over-analyzing self have gone over this idea a million times. I've accepted that this wasn't going to be a permanent thing. It was an option for boredom. It's like getting a new hobby. Or harbouring a deep, new secret that strangely brings much elation -- a feeling I haven't had in a really long time. I've always been the type of person who thinks twice before jumping into the pool. But I thought, maybe I can be the type of person who can jump into the pool without second-guessing myself. I can be spontaneous. I can jump without knowing how deep the pool is, or without any guarantee of life support. Maybe, I don't always have to test the waters with my feet before jumping into cold water. It would be like a leap of faith that would free my mind from all worries. I can make plans without checking my calendar first. I can do the things I want to do instead of the things I have to do.

I was wrong, of course. I am just one type of person. I second-guess myself after I've second-guessed myself. I like testing the waters before jumping into cold water. I like knowing I have a safe place I can run to when I'm in trouble or need some comfort. I like planning my days and knowing that I am not going through life in a blindfold. I like setting goals, making lists, crossing lists, keeping track of what I have achieved and are yet to achieve. I like knowing that I'm not floating aimlessly in thin air. Of course, I don't always feel like this every day. I have self-doubts every now and then but I always leave a little room for certainty. For there are things that are certain in this life. And the type of person I am --- I can't be more certain about that.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You are such a great person Jana! and honestly I was inspired with your thoughts and points of view in life and I see myself through your words, and thanks for posting your thoughts and you know what? your not only a multi gifted and multi talented person you are indeed an amazing person with wondrous qualities and you should be a "WRITER" I'm not kiddin! You have the skills to inspire people and help them motivate and value the meaning of life. I hope one day you will become be a well known authour and will sell your own inspirational books and I will be the first person in line dying to get your autograph. Please post more of your inspiring message.

Ate Carol

Thanks August Empress for the cool background!