Monday, August 11, 2008

lost and found

So, I'm uploading a video that was shown during the reception of our June 8 wedding. It was created in collaboration with Whereisthelaser? Productions presented as part of the wedding program. The funny thing is, we never actually saw the final edit before the big day and we didn't get to watch it the day of either because we had to take pictures for the opening of the sweet table buffet. Anyway, it was really well made and it represented just how much fun we had during the planning phase of our wedding.

Hanging out at M Studio the last couple of days reminded me of just how small the world really is and that eventually, we were bound to run into people from the past. I can't help but still feel guilty about deciding not to invite certain people even when the truth is, we haven't seen these people in years and to invite them would be more awkward than uninviting them. Anyway, I'm not about to hold grudges even when the cause of miscommunication was something that was essentially and potentially a cause of distress in the past. Can bridges that were broken ever be rebuilt or reconnected? I'm not sure. All I know is that, in the end, we have chosen to take paths thinking that we have made the best decisions possible and that even after all that, we stand by the decisions we made no matter what the consequences.

I still think about friends that I've "lost" along the way although, instead of wallowing in grief, I console myself by saying that I had made it though without them, just as their lives have gone on without me.

In hopes that I might end this post on a good note, I'm posting an old journal entry I came across about A, written on September 26 last year; tucked in the pages of my old and ratty 2007 journal:

I met him at a time in my life when I have given up all hope. Hope of finding the right one. Hope that I’ll make the right decisions when I do find the one. Hope that in spite of everything I’ve been through, I still deserve to find my happiness. Of course, at first, I wasn’t easily convinced. I had all these preconceptions of how it was all going to turn out. We’ll meet. He’ll pursue me for quite some time. I’ll circumvent and try to find a way out of it, but then, I’ll realize how lonely I’ve become and give in. I imagine myself slowly letting down my defences and finally admitting I’m ready to give it my all, all over again-- love like I’ve never been hurt.

I wanted to say to him, “If you knew what I went through, you’d understand why I hesitate.” But I didn’t need to because he, just like I, have been through it all. I guess that would always be one thing we have in common. We both have been in relationships that had left us dejected. We were broken souls trying to find meaning in the midst of our pains. We both knew what it felt to be defeated. We were the walking wounded. And as sad as it sounds, we found commonality in our hurts and pains. It was the common denominator that brought us together and made us hope for better things.

It didn’t take me long to see that I could possibly love him. He was after all, a mirrored image of myself. A broken man, as if he had been denied of the happiness he so deserved. I guess in a way, I felt he needed to be saved just as I needed someone to save me. He saw right through me, the way no one else had.

I wanted so much to believe that even after all that I’ve been through, I still deserve to be happy. I deserve to find that one love that God had intended for me to find. I’ve paid my dues. And indeed, I was continually rewarded even when I didn't think I deserved it. I was found.

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake andthen subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. "

"Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two".- Captain Corelli's Mandolin

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Thanks August Empress for the cool background!